As I mentioned previously, things have not gone perfect after the surgery. Besides having to take vitamins, iron, potassium pills, nausea patches, prilosec and feeling horrible, there is also a huge dissappointment that has taken place. It's really not a quick fix to everything.
For me, specially since I can't eat hardly anything, the pounds have been shedding off like crazy however because of feeling so tired and weak, I havent been able to enjoy the weight loss the way my family seems to enjoy it. I'll come back to this and explain...
If I had to do over, I am still not sure if I would do it so quick. I have been overweight since I was small so it was something i was used to. I would say some of the differences between me and people that are over weight for eating too much is my life style.
I was born to older parents. My mom jokes that I was her menopause and my dad tells me that I fulfilled two things for him. One, although I was his twelvth child, he, for the first time had the opportunity to be a father and second, saved a rocky relationship between him my mother. Talk about no pressure... Needless to say, coming at such a late stage in their life, my childhood was really different.
The first 4 years of my life, like any child, I remember being told that I had brothers and sisters that were coming soon and I was so anxious and full of love that I could not wait to see them and play with them and the excitement alone was exhausting to my parents as I would ask all the time when they were coming. See, my dad, had 11 kids in another country...and had come to the US to help support them since it was almost impossible to do so if he stayed there. My mom on the other hand, had 2 kids that by the time I came along, they already had spread their wings so basically I have 2 nieces that are actually older than me... Anyway, so when the day arrived to meet my new sisters, we didn't go to the hospital like normal people do. We went to LAX to pick up my brand new sisters, Betty and Evy. To my surprise, they were BIG. Being 4 years, BIG to me is Adult size. Both of them were actually very petite. Betty, very shy looking with her beautiful Burgandy hair, freckles, tall slim legs, long skirt and motherly looking heels weighed no more than 100 pounds. Evy, a little shorter, maybe 5'1 and weighed no more than 90 pounds, with a long skirt and turtle neck, hair so black that it glistened blue had a nervous look on her face. She looked like maybe I could play with her since she was not too tall. For the first few days of their homecoming, I would say was awkard. I guess I had built up the idea so much of playing with my new sisters and they did not have the same idea. They would basically keep to themselves. Did I mention that Evy was 19 and Betty was 18? And I was 4??? Ok, I know, in hind sight, what teenager wants to play with a 4 year old? Back then...I was confused, I didnt understand why I was not allowed to "bother" them. I guess I figured that all the hype that was built up that somehow, they were my new toys. Besides the new addition to the family, as I mentioned earlier, my mom had 2 kids through a previous marriage. Apparently, the mom I had when I was a kid was not the same mom my brother and sister had.
In the country where they're from, the customs where different. On top of that, my mom's 1st husband was not a good husband, provider nor father which led my mom to depression, anxiety, and alcohol abuse. As he had been described, he was a handsome and intelligent man with mental issues. According to my mother, he would come and go as he pleased and was a womanizer. Before coming to the US, he actually gave my mom to his uncle. Can you imagine? A young vibrant and intelligent woman, left with 2 kids, no home, no money and no options...
Well, those circumstances led to my mom having to do errands for people and doing peoples hair just so she could support her kids. While she was gone, my brother and sister had time to have fun and play with their friends and cousins and although had a very poor life...at least they had one.
Very contrast to my childhood. Being very young, I was not allowed to do anything. I would have to go straight home from school and had only a 5 minute delay allowed. I would only play in my room. When I say "play", I mean watch tv or play nintendo or practice my accordian. Apparently, because of the drama my mother and sister went through, my mom wanted to shield me from EVERYTHING. I would constantly be asked if someone had "touched" me in appropriately and at night I would have to lock myself in to my room. Some nights, my mom would be so paranoid, she would take a mattress to her room and I would have to sleep there. It was strange. Anyway, after Betty and Evy came, almost every year, we'd get 2 more brothers or sisters. The next to come was Sammy and Martha. Talk about a full house.
My mom had developed a 10 minute time system to use the bathroom with so many people. The latest addition, was not a happy one for me. See, when they came, it was not just them that came... They also had mixed feelings and destructive thoughts and a chip on their shoulder for my existence. Unfortunate for me since once again I was happy for their arrival.
Once again the alienation began. It was like them against me. Already at that young age, i was chubby. By then, I had been to the Doctor several times for my weight so I was on a diet since I was like 5. Now that I think about it, It's more sad than I thought. The immobility alone and having to sneak to the refrigerator for juice or a sip of coke was exhilerating and exhausting. Even to drinking milk was frustrating as I had hawk eyes checking how many teaspoons of nestle quik I would put in my cup.
Finally when summer would come around, I would was finally free to go to "fat camp". Oops, I mean my eldest Sisters house to be with my model looking nieces. Back then, my sister was a body conscience nut. Let's just say, she had her own issues back then and by the Grace of God she is no longer that person. Anyway, I was allowed to go be with them and for me it was quite a relief. Although I was still the youngest, at least the age gap was not so steep between my nieces and myself. Nana was 4 years older and Paulina was just 2 years older. I loved being there. They lived in a modestly nice house and a 15 minute drive to the beach. Beautiful weather and no bugs. It was night and day between my normal world and that ambience. Everyday, they had some sort of agenda. My eldest niece was very creative and fun. My sister at that point was living in her world and would allow us to live in ours. I felt almost like goonies kids or stand by me kids with all the many adventures we lived.
The reason I called it fat camp was because, there, I would have to do all the excercise I didnt do in a year in one month. We would ride our bike to Marina Del Rey and keep in mind it was a 15 minute car drive!!! Once we were there...my niece would make us ride our bikes from one beach to the next beach and then come back. Keep in mind, my idea of fun would be a car drive to the beach and making sand castles and playing in the water. Riding from one to the next, was not entertainment but I felt it was their way of excercising without me figuring out their plan. Most other days we would walk to the park which was also like 15-20 minutes away and for a chubby unfit girl, it was torture. However, the pay off was being able to go in the public pool. I loved feeling refreshed and swimming with nana and paulina and my other nephews amil and angel. So for the most part, fat camp was great with just a few exceptions and one of the main ones was when my brother Rich would come and say that we were all going to the Santa Monica Pier and then turn to me and say, "except you, you're too fat". Or, he'd come over to play with "his" nieces and completly ignore me. I would try to talk to him and he'd pretend i was not there. Periodically he'd say, when you lose weight, we'll talk.
If I had to rewind and put myself in his shoes...he was the baby for I came along. It was just my mom and sis and him. When my mom met my dad, they luckily liked him and accepted him as part of the family. When I came, my moms attention shifted from him to me. A few times my mom would notice the withdrawl I would have, and with hesitation, I would tell her pieces of what was happening. My mom would confront my brother and it would get worse because now, not only was I fat but also a big baby and a tattletale. Now, I'm not condoning his behavior, specially since he was like 21 years older than me but, he's dead. i'll let him rest in peace.
Bits and pieces seem to form who we become and now that I'm older, I can see how things push you to be who you show and not who you are.
For example have you ever seen an unhappy fat person? I haven't most are "jolly". I think its a way to try to fit in through being nice and happy to make it easier for people to accept you. I'll come back to this too.
Anyway, the only other family that I had close by was my dads side since all of my moms family lived and currently lives in Argentina. Every so often my dad would take us to see my grandma who is wonderful. Everyone is welcomed at Grandma's house. My grandma had 7 kids. Inturn, she has a gazillion grandkids which are my cousins. At least in my head they are. Once again at reunions, when all the kids would get together, it would start off ok because I had one cousin, Hector who would play with me. Luckily my aunt would come over to our house and he and I got along great with him. At grandmas house however, there were a few of our cousins who thought I was not good enough because of my weight and probably because I was from a different marriage. Who knows... I would have to sit all by myself or I'd pretend everything was ok and just sit by grandma or my parents. I think that's part of why I'm so shy. You become so self conscience about people looking at you. Even going after the piñata was a drag. My aunt would yell, try not to take too much candy, you don't need it. To top it all off, I didnt even like candy. I was only getting because my parents would force me to participate. I remember, one day, that same aunt that was afwul to me, was blind folding me to hit the piñata and yells out, "get a bigger blind fold her head is to big!" and laughed it off.
It's funny because my school memories were not even bad. I was was the 2nd largest kid in school and I was lucky to be part of the "in" crowd. I had popular friends despite my parents not letting me do any of the normal things like parties nor sleep overs. In 8th grade, a kid with a lisp walked me home and said "you know what?", "I would totally go out with you if only you were skinny"... I looked at him and said "you know what, I would totally go out with you if you were smart" and we never spoke again. I think that's the worst incident I ever had at school, nothing in comparison to the drama I would live at home or around so called family.
Just to set the record straight, between most of my brothers and sisters, we have moved forward. I'm not sure exactly what happened but i'm sure it was combination of having their own kids, maturity and a closer relationship with God.
As for me, I was always trying to please others as a way of acceptance. Growing up in a christian church I was confused as to when you could say "NO".
